Obstacles and Glimmers of Hope

So here I am, back where it all began in my beloved city of Reims, France. I’ve been here for three days now and it’s the happiest I’ve been in the three months since I moved to Oxford. It feels terribly ungrateful to say this, but I am not happy living in Oxford. Perhaps three months is not long enough to be able to make such a statement, and I do hope that I’m proven wrong, but as it stands I have been pretty unhappy since moving there. I kept thinking it was just me and that I was doomed to feel that way forever, but being in Reims again has made me feel so alive and happy that I know it is not just me but my environment.

It has also been very stressful lately. I’ve been on the road since the 14th of this month- first to Berlin, then to Paris, and now Reims- and it hasn’t exactly been the smoothest of travels. I have no idea where my luggage is, I’m tired all the time, I have school work to do. There’s a lot on my mind so being present has been a struggle. There’s also a lot of lessons that have come to the surface but I haven’t given myself the space and time to sort them out. But they’re there and I know I’ll eventually work them out. I’ve bitten all of my nails off in nervousness, anxiousness, sadness, and it really is no way to live. How did I backtrack on my journey? I was doing so good. Thank goodness for this time in Reims thought to remind me of how good I can feel again.

Perhaps my least favorite thing about depression- aside from uhm, everything- is the feeling of hopelessness. That feeling can drown you- I mean, really drown you. It takes hold of your present and future and surrounds you in a veil of darkness that seems to go on forever and ever. I know it’s just a symptom but it feels like it’s your entirely life, not just a part of the depression. I’m scared that I’ll always feel this way, even though the logical part of my brain that has gone through this before tells me otherwise. But that’s not how it feels. I don’t associate my time living in Reims as one where I was feeling down; that’s usually something I associate with living in the U.S., and now, the U.K. So how can I overcome this monster? Well, that’s the obstacle in my path right now.

I recognize how all over the place this post is. I originally went into it wanting it to be an optimistic piece because I really have felt happier since arriving in Reims. But of course, I should’ve known it was only temporary. Perhaps it’s due to the looming thought that I’ll be leaving here soon and going back to the depressive dark hole that is my life in Oxford; perhaps it’s something bigger. Quite possibly it is both. All I know is for this brief moment in time I have felt hope again, I have felt simple joy again, and I have felt somewhat like myself again. So she’s not entirely lost, this wonderful person I’ve been working so hard to become. She’s still in there, and I’m going to get her out again. We’re going to rescue each other just like we always have ever since we were children.

xo