Lessons on 34

Happy New Year 2025! It was while I was reflecting on the events of 2024 (so.many.of.them.) that I realized I had yet to complete my ‘Lesson On…’ post for 2024, otherwise known as Lessons on 34.

As far as birthday celebrations go, my 34th birthday was one of the best ones thus far. It was nearing the end of my first year of grad school and I had two best friends that I was inseparable from and loved, yet I did not want to assume they’d want to spend my birthday with me, for some silly, insecure reason. And so for myself I planned two things for the day: to attend a coronation church service for King Charles III at Oxford’s University Church of St. Mary the Virgin, and to attend Oxford’s Natural History Museum Late Night event.

I’ll never forget how my college bar was open late on the night of May 4th and that my two best friends showed up to hangout with me, which quickly turned into midnight and celebrating my birthday. I fell asleep happy that night as I was able to celebrate with them, and they promptly asked what WE would be doing the following day. When I shared my plans, not thinking they’d want to join, they of course were excited and said they would join me. After the Coronation service we went to one of their college where they surprised me with gifts and a huge burnt Basque cheesecake (my latest obsession at the time). After a mini dance party we went to the Museum Late Night event, met up with another good friend after, and then headed to our favorite night club (where I promptly got drunk and was crying by the end of the night–but that’s a whole different story). Truly it was an amazing birthday, and even though this post wasn’t meant to recap the entire thing, I wanted to ensure my future self had this beautiful memory to fondly look back at. Now on to the lessons!

Learn to accept help from your friends. Oh man, this is still a struggle sometimes. There was a lot that I went through and a lot that I didn’t know while at Oxford, and had it not be for my friend’s support and help, I truly think I would’ve suffered more than I did. It is not easy for me to accept help from others; I suppose I’ve always been scared of it being used against me, of being vulnerable and letting myself rely on others. There was a lot of disappoint and instability in my childhood, and thus I knew that my hyper-independence stemmed from that time. While I am still an independent person, I’ve come a long way in letting those closest to me help me through difficult times.

Listen to your gut and don’t ignore the red flags. While the first point could easily be its own lesson, I am linking it to relationships because, well, this is the context in which I’ve needed to learn this lesson most. I’ve realized that I tend to fall in love with potential and in the process ignore what my gut and their actions are telling me; always trying to give others the benefit of the doubt, I’ve betrayed my own inner-knowing and feelings because I assume that I’m just insecure, scared to be vulnerable, etc. While these things may be true to some degree (a lesser one now, thank goodness), I also recognize that there are clear examples where its not just some inner insecurity of mine, but rather the person’s actions that really are red flags. While this lesson is still a work in progress–some lessons you don’t really know if you’ve learned until you confront them again–it wasn’t until my most recent relationship (which ended right before I turned 35) that I realized the need of discerning between my gut feeling and my general anxiety.

Lastly, stop over-explaining! What a most liberating, freeing feeling it is to not have to over-explain every little decision made! And how shocking to realize that I wasn’t even aware that I was over explaining pretty much my entire life. To be fair, this is still a work in progress for me: a lesson I’ve been learning for over a year that has been programmed from childhood is not overcome overnight, naturally. But I’m happy with the progress I’ve made as even realizing what I was doing took a long time to really sink in and catch. For the most part, I do catch myself as I’m over explaining, and the process that comes after that takes some gentle self-talk and sitting with mild discomfort at leaving my reasoning as is. But really, it is such a freeing feeling to put this into action; and I am much happier this way.

And that is it for this post guys! In four months I will be turning 36 and thus it is time to start reflecting on the lessons I’ve learned since turning 35. I truly hope that I always continue to strive to be the best version of myself and that all the lessons that come my way come in the softest way possible.

xoxo