Lessons on 33
Better late than never, no? It dawned on me yesterday that it was my half birthday and I’d yet to get my ‘Lessons On’ post up for by birthday this year. To say that grad school has been hard would be an understatement. Add the fact that I’ve been in five countries since turning 34 in May, as well as completed three months of fieldwork in one of these countries, and let’s just say that I’m not going to beat myself up for the delay in getting back into blogging. I’m so glad that I took the time in July to write my ‘Lessons On’ in my Notes App, as well as a little introduction. Looking at the intro now, almost three and a half later, it feels so intimate and vulnerable- but I wrote it with the intent of sharing and that I will do. So without further ado…
“I am 34, yet by the age of 4 I remember being able to read a room and people in it like the pages of a book. I learned to tell adults what they wanted to hear in order to pacify their emotions and not offend them, in the process slowing learning how to betray my own needs and comfort.” That is the introduction that I wrote. It’s all true, of course. I’m surprised that I was finally able to recognize it, because that’s how it goes when you’ve been programmed to do something your entire life: it’s an automatic, you’re on autopilot, and finally realizing what you’re doing can feel scary, vulnerable, false, doubtful, yet empowering, eventually. But I digress.
It really is all about boundaries. Boundaries show you care about yourself and your relationship with others- not that you’re being mean, and neither that it’s a rejection. Gosh, this lesson took me 30 years to learn. It makes me want to cry, which is alright. I’ll be honest: I had no idea what a boundary was prior to being 32. When I finally realized what one was I spent a lot of time feeling rejected by those who placed it, only realizing a year or so later that I had the right to place them too. That I could also say “hey, I don’t like that, please stop” or “I don’t feel like it tonight, thank you.” Notice that there’s always a “please” and “thank you,” probably because I’ve been conditioned to care about everyone else’s feelings first, or probably because I do care about being polite. I’m not going to try and discern that now, neither will I say that I’ve got this whole boundaries thing down (it’s a constant work in progress). The point is that I’ve finally realized that boundaries are what make us feel happy and safe within our bodies and they help others help us feel happy and safe within our encounters with them.
Another lesson that I learned since I turned 33 is that there are still so many wonderful amazing people left to meet. I’m so fortunate to have been blessed with the most wonderful friends ever. Since I entered my 30s I’ve consistently made friendships that are just increasingly more and more aligned with who I am and who I want to become. For this reason, I felt that I was done meeting wonderful people because I already had ‘so many’ and didn’t feel that deserved more (pesky self-sabotage). Well, let me tell you: my first year at Oxford I had the please of making many, many wonderful friendships, one of which has been the most positive force in my life thus far. This person is just the kindness, most patient, most generous, most thoughtful ray of sunshine that I’ve ever met and I really couldn’t believe that I almost shut myself out of making new friendships. And even now, one month into my second and last year of grad school I’ve met such lovely people who want to befriend me and still I think- really? Me? It’s humbling and also touching and truly a testeament to the fact that there really are so many amazing human beings out there we have yet to meet.
Lastly, and perhaps most significantly to my healing journey, is this lesson: learning how to be alone. Sad fact to admit: I’ve never truly been alone for long after a romantic relationship has ended. I wasn’t used to being alone, and even though I wanted to do it, I simply reverted back to old patterns. Then earlier this year I had a harsh realization regarding someone I was casually seeing, and the fact that I was so wrong about who this person was scared me enough that it’s been eight months now since I’ve been romantically involved with anyone- and it feels amazing. It was not easy at first, I will admit that, but it has been rewarding and so beneficial to my healing journey. I’ve also realized that it has made me raise my standards and like it will take someone no less than incredible to me for me to give up being single for, which is amazing. I should have higher standards, and being single is something that has absolutely taught me that.
And there we have it. I’m really so glad that I started this series when I did. One day I will be able to look back on these posts and how much I learned and I know that it will be a bittersweet and nostalgic moment- in a good way. Would love to hear what lesson(s) you guys have learned since your last birthday! If you’d like to share my comments are always open. Until next time.
xo